Dan's Story
My name is Dan O'Shaughnessy, I am thirty-two years old, and will be married for six years this month, to my beautiful wife Mandee. We live in Newberg, Oregon with our three wonderful children: a four year old son, and two daughters, a two year old and an eleven month old.
Mandee and I first met at our small Iowa church in 2013. I originally considered Mandee too young for me, and she thought I was overly outgoing and a little bit interesting. Mandee wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship at the time and I was prayerfully cautious about pursuing anything more than a friendship. But, God had other plans and we were married a year later on April 26, 2014.
Major transitions, like getting married, moving halfway across the country, and leaving our church and community behind, presented unexpected challenges for Mandee and me. The stress of relocating was further complicated by a dark and secret addiction which, I attempted unsuccessfully to hide from Mandee. Eventually, she found some pornographic material on my phone, and immediately confronted me with the evidence. I minimized the truth and tried to downplay my addictive behaviors. Neither of us knew how to deal with my sexual misconduct properly, and I allowed my addiction to fester under the surface for the next two and a half years. Mandee could sense something was off, and brought up the possibility to join 423 Men at my church. Soon thereafter, I joined a group.
Married life for me began to slowly improve as I received clarity on the path of recovery. Mandee was still feeling alone, learning how to be married to a husband with a porn addiction.
On a Sunday afternoon in July of 2018, with strong encouragement from my 423 brothers, I disclosed to Mandee the most devastating news of her life… I had been unfaithful by engaging in inappropriate sexual contact with a female co-worker. When I witnessed the pain I caused my precious wife, it dawned on me… I was having an emotional affair! How could I have done such a horrible thing and betray the love of my life?
Mandee felt as though our marriage hit rock bottom, and could not even find words to adequately express the pain she felt. Yet somehow God shone a tiny speck of light in the giant void of darkness. Through much prayer, a women’s community of faith and the promises of Scripture, my incredible wife found love, forgiveness, new hope, and strength to carry on with me, a very broken man.
My sobriety was a combination of things: professional counseling, having the personal will power to want to change on my own, and my 423 brothers encouraging me to confront Mandee with my sexual sins. By God's grace, I was able to turn my life around and break free of the bondage of my sexual addictions. 423 Men played a critical role in placing the right guys in my life. I learned I was dependent upon the approval of others, and that my sense of self-worth did not come from my identity in Jesus. Rather, I was looking for affirmation from others and thereby set myself up for an illicit sexual encounter. I did not feel that I was good enough, and medicated my negative self-image with pornography. When porn was not enough, I hoped to find fulfillment for my emotional brokenness in the sexual attention offered by my co-worker. I was a mess, but 423 Men offered me unconditional love, a shame-free recovery experience and a hope for something better.
After faithfully attending my 423 Men group each week for almost two years, I left when I was free of my addictions and before my life got really busy with the birth of our third child. Mandee and I have found love again, now based on complete trust and real honesty. We also have a heart to help other couples fight for their marriage in the face of this all-too-common, “throw-away” culture of divorce.
I am actively pursuing a lust-free life, and have set up safeguards to help prevent me from entering sexually compromised situations:
I have an active accountability partner.
I do not take my phone into the bathroom.
I have placed restrictions on my phone for which only my wife has the pass code.
Mandee and I instituted an open phone policy, and can have access to each other’s phones at any time.
During COVID-19 quarantine, I work with my computer at home with an open door policy for the Mandee and the kids.
These policies Mandee and I developed help to ease my wife’s anxiety and serve to keep me accountable. With the help of Jesus, my amazing wife, and continuing counseling, I will remain on the path of sexual sobriety.
Mandee and I will be featured on Bringing Her Hope podcast this coming Wednesday, April 15th. The title of our podcast is ”How to navigate unexpected trials in your marriage and find beauty in the ashes.” I hope you will listen to hear more of our story, at a time to be soon announced. You can find the podcast on iTunes or at the following link: https://www.bringingherhope.com/podcast/.
P.S. My wife, Mandee, approved and helped me construct this article. We hope you and others will benefit from our story. Thank you for reading, and your prayers for me and support of 423 Communities!
At 423 Communities International, our doors are open for business. We are still offering recovery options for those struggling with temptations and trauma around pornography, sexual fantasies, and addictive behaviors. Want more information? Click here: https://www.423communities.org/join.