For women, discovering your significant other has been consuming porn can emphasize and reinforce negative thoughts you’ve already internalized, like:

“I’m not skinny or sexy enough.”

“I have to live up to what other performers look or act like in order for someone to want me.”

“My partner has been looking outside of our relationship for sexual gratification, and it must be my fault.”

This isn’t just the case for women, but for men who discover their partner’s porn habit, too.

Feelings of shame and self-degradation—whether from one’s own internal dialogue or imposed by someone else—can be a huge speed bump in the healing process for both porn consumers and their hurt partners.

Avoid shaming yourself

If you found out your partner consumes porn, you may have experienced feelings of intense anger, hopelessness, fear, isolation, or anxiety coupled with debilitating flashbacks, withdrawal from people or things you once loved, and even headaches or nausea. You may also lack feelings of safety or security. In short, you may be suffering from a very real version of PTSD called “betrayal trauma.”

These feelings do not mean you’re weak. There’s a reason it’s called trauma, and there’s actually a scientific explanation for what you’re going through.

While you can be supportive throughout the healing process, it’s also important to know that their recovery isn’t your responsibility, either. Those steps are really up to your partner—their choice, their effort, and their commitment when provided with access to helpful resources.

**Avoid shaming your partner—whether or not you choose to stay**

Just as there’s a scientific explanation for the trauma you’re experiencing, there’s also one for the impact porn has on your partner.

Even though this issue affects you directly and deeply, it’s likely a problem that started long before you were in the picture—possibly when your partner was a child. There are a lot of reasons people turn to porn, and they aren’t always sexual.

For example, an addiction or compulsion could have started forming in their younger years when their natural sexual curiosity was hijacked by unsolicited exposure to porn. These habits could have continued as a means to cope with their own past trauma, feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, boredom, or insecurity.

Instead of inflicting shame on your partner in exchange for the pain their habit has caused you, it can help to learn the science behind how porn has affected their brain and possibly their ability to bond with you emotionally or sexually in a healthy way.

Bitterness gets in the way of your recovery and theirs, and shame is counter-productive in the recovery process. But, there is hope for recovery for both the porn user and the family member they have hurt. Join 423 Men, 423 Women, 423 Women, 423 Young Men, or 423 Parents now at the link at the bottom of this page.

To read the full article on ways to heal in a healthy way visit https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-avoiding-shame-can-help-with-healing-from-betrayal-trauma/

At 423 Communities International, our doors are open for business. We are still offering recovery options for those struggling with temptations and trauma around pornography, sexual fantasies, and addictive behaviors. Want more information? Click here: https://www.423communities.org/join.