Fully Known, Fully Loved: Living A Life Disclosed
By Joel Warneking
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
Ask any 4 or 5-year-old what they want to be when they grow up and you will quickly receive an enthusiastic answer of “Unicorn! Mermaid! SuperHero!” To be known and loved is one of the most basic desires we as the human race have in common. From the very first moment, we first open our eyes at birth, we are searching for someone to see us and love us, whoever we might be or become. Yet from a very young age, we quickly learn that there are things about us that are unlovable, dirty, shameful, things that keep us from engaging in the world with our true selves and teach us that we have to hide who we truly are in the world in order to be apart of it.
In the recovery process for the sexual addict, there is one practice that breaks through this barrier of shame and is perhaps the most daunting of all, the process of Disclosure.
Tremendous amounts of apprehension and anxiety can surround us as we begin the process of unveiling the whole person, exposing the deepest and most hidden areas of our lives. However, for anyone stepping into the journey of recovery, it is an imperative and crucial tool for them to utilize in order for the healing process to take full effect.
“The most important step in establishing intimacy with your wife is to tell her the truth about your sexual history.”
Many who are in the recovery process have already had some version of disclosure, either in an exposure event, where the addict was discovered in his wrong sexual behavior or in a disclosure moment, moved by conviction and good intentions. Yet many times this process, even though with good intentions, can create even more trauma and pain in the relationship and cause further damage to both the addict and their partner. This is why 423 communities deeply value and endorse the disclosure process, so that an individual or couple can move forward in the best semblance of health possible, fostering deep intimacy, prolonged emotional health, and the restoration of true identity.
“When God created Man, he made him in the likeness of God, Male and Female he created them”
When God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He made them in His likeness, in the Imago Dei, the image of God. God created these two beings, that when in a relationship when woven together into one flesh, represented Him as His likeness. God in himself, is perfectly reciprocating perfect love, over and over again in an eternal partnership with himself. In this way, these two souls inhabited the Garden “..naked and unashamed” Genesis 2:25, fully known and fully able to participate in a relationship without restraint, or in other words, pure intimacy. In the Disclosure process, we are participating in what we were created for, to be fully known and fully received in love, to live a life unhindered by the shame and the brokenness in our lives, and to become “one flesh” again. We see later on in the story when Sin enters the garden, that these two souls are devastated by sin and the first thing they do is begin to hide from each and from God. They begin to pull away into isolation and shame, keeping the very core of themselves protected from the relationship.
“ Incurvatus in se”
St. Augustine speaks to this concept as the “Incurvatus in se”, or the Inward Curving Self. It is the process of sin taking the relational energy meant to bridge souls and create intimacy, and turning into a vicious inward cycle of self-protecting energy, pushing others out. Adam and Eve experienced this “inward curving” in the brokenness of sin and the newly discovered shame, causing them to begin to pull their relational soul away from each other, turning in on themselves for protection and tending to their wounded souls. Now as human beings, we walk around the world knowing at our core that we were meant to connect and bridge into one another for the healing of our souls, but the inward curving cycle of self-protecting isolation is so intrinsically built into our experience, that we cannot enter into any form of healthy connection. From the time we were 6 years old and experienced the brokenness of the world, we began to weave our own cycle of a disrupted relationship. Through the years we grow into learning how to medicate the pain we are protecting. The addict goes to sexually acting out, the gambler seeks the thrill of the bet, the junkie seeks another hit, all trying to medicate the pain of our inward curving souls.
“The truest form of what it means to be human..”
In the recovery process, we are seeking to break down these barriers that are created from this separation, breaking the bonds that hold our curve so close. With close guidance and counsel, we encourage all of our members to enter into the sacred practice of becoming fully known and fully loved. In this, we are beginning the process of reclaiming what it means to be made in the image of God, to be fully intertwined in the Imago Dei. In this process, we engage in the truest form of what it means to be human, the Excuvatus ex se, the outward living self. This is who we were created to be in the Imago Dei, to truly live with our souls overlapping, finding connection with others created in the Imago Dei for the perpetual source of relational health.
We were not meant to live life stuck in the broken, cyclical patterns of isolation. We were created to live inside of beautiful, dynamic relationships, built on the foundations of honesty, trust, and the process of being fully known, and fully loved. The journey of recovery is not an easy path to follow, but there is hope for anyone who is willing to begin working through the practice of the disclosure. If you or anyone you know is wanting to work through the disclosure practice, please contact 423 communities for more information! You can do this, but you don’t have to do this alone!
At 423 Communities International, our doors are open for business. We are still offering recovery options for those struggling with temptations and trauma around pornography, sexual fantasies, and addictive behaviors. Want more information? Click here: https://www.423communities.org/join